A mess of me. A mess of you.

One gets to know the true value of something only after it's lost. Holds true, I can vouch for it. However, I am not sure whether it is the same for you. I never took you for granted, now or in the past, but it still hurts too much.

There's not a single day in past few years that I've not yearned for you. Anywhere I go, anything I do, it feels as if you are there, watching over me. And I don't know why, but it seems that it's getting worse with every passing day!! The minute I manage to push the memories of those beautiful days out of my mind, they waltz back in making fun of me and my foolish attempts to force them out. I don't know what's there in future, pretty crazy to still think about future of us two together, eh?

I keep remembering that lovely face of yours while sleeping, traveling, eating, to an extent that it has started meddling with my work. Few months back I at least could drown myself in work. Now, I space out in office meetings!

Lying alone in my bed on these cold sleepless nights, I miss the warmth of your tender body next to mine, I crave for a glimpse of your eyes, for a single moment of hiding my face in your hair, to hear you say my name in that sweet voice, holding you against me as close as possible, to kiss you and being kissed by you, even if it's just a peck!

I keep searching, that may be, by luck I might find someone with eyes as lovely as yours, may be someone's gaze will look through me as yours did, someone will call me with the same soothing voice as yours, but every-time I end up laughing at my own stupidity. Nannu, I admit it once again today, you are only one of your kind!

This craving has increased in the last few months, this is the only thing that's been weighing on my mind. What did you do? Some magic?..ha ha..silly old conversations. Do they ever haunt you? They never leave my mind. Every morning I wake up, I have a new dream of you telling me something, for me to ponder what it actually meant.

Why are these thoughts still lingering in my mind even after all this time, I wonder. Is it, that you miss me the way, I miss you to this day or is it just my ill fate that I've been left like this, for what happened in our last meeting. 

I guess, I'll never know!

Thoughts at Dinner Table!!!

Act I, Scene I

06:00 Hrs. - Morning of Mucchi's mid-term test- it's raining cats & dogs!!!

Test is at 9:30 a.m.

Lucky: "Manu, wake up..just go thru the syllabus once again.."

Manish: "Soney de yaar..slept at 5..I've covered the whole thing once.."

Lucky holding Manish's elbow, dragging him to Badminton court in Hostel courtyard.

Lucky: "Upar dekh..barish ho rahi hai?"

Manish(confused, irritated & hell-sleepy) : "haan!!"

Lucky: "Neechey dekh, floor is wet!"

Manish: "Haan!"

Lucky (as if repeating the whole ceremony): "Upar dekh..barish ho rahi hai?"

Manish(more confused, more irritated & now "half-hell-sleepy") : "HAAN..!!"

Lucky: "Neechey dekh..floor is wet?"

Manish: "Haaaaaaaaan... :@"

Lucky (has left Manish's elbow and is now heading towards his own room): "Chal ab teri neend khul gayi hai..padh le ek baar phir se.."

Manish: "Teri...#%$%^&*()()*&^&%$#$"

Act I, Scene II

After the test.

13:00 Hrs.

Manish(screaming at the top of his lungs in Badminton Court): Lucky Kamine..I slept thru the test and left 2 questions unattempted which I could've easily answered...$%^&*())*&^%$

Make the most of everything- even the bad stuff. This time, this day, will never come again.’ – JW

‘I once wrote ‘Words are the part of silence that can be spoken.’ And again, I said, ‘Every word written is a net to catch the word that has escaped.’
Language, ruled by Mercury, is made of doubleness. The things that can be said – the dazzling power of language to communicate, to restore, to invigorate, to explain, to make possible, and the things that can’t be said – the thresholds of language where silence allows no noisy crossings, no not even a whisper.
Language is a human achievement and it needs to be re-made, re-achieved, every time a baby is born…’
‘But there is so much life – and it is wrong to waste it. Make the most of everything- even the bad stuff. This time, this day, will never come again.’
- Jeanette Winterson (www.jeanettewinterson.com)

Excerpts!!

“Who am I to you? Nothing. I can’t match my blood type to yours. I can’t tag your name as my surname. Nothing. What am I to you? I am nothing really. Yet I stand there as insignificant as an ant before the universe exclaiming that ‘I Love You’. Hoping against hope for a miracle to make me yours. So if I’m not a part of your name or your bloodline am I nothing to you? Am I not worth of being loved by you? Foolish are these lines but they pass as thoughts. Foolish because I love thee despite all these. And it will never fade. Never….” ~ excerpts from one of my letters on Love written in silence and discarded

Love has so much to give and bear and take, that silence is all it can afford amidst the chaos…

Like always you have stirred something so basic, so simple and yet the most painful of all feelings. Sometimes the pain is all that makes you realize, "IT WAS REAL."

God Bless You!!

Feelings Remain

"The double grief of a lost bliss is to recall its happy hour while writhing in agony"

These days you love me no more,
nor am I treasured by you anymore.
Now I am all alone.
What did you tell me when we parted?
The words hung in midair and never reached me.
I know my dreams and wishes are illusory;
and yet I cannot give up on them.

You said, "Don't let go, hold onto my hand" and,
"We will always be together."
Your hands as I held them were warm and tender.

I will devote myself only to you,
I know the pain of loneliness
So everything that makes me whole
Now, I dedicate it all to you.

To the City of Hopes

Past two days made me realize what I was missing since I left Pune, the city, I thought I had no connections with, even after living for more than two years there. Busy giving all the “ATTENTION” to THE MBA, I really didn’t care about my longing, to go back there and to see the people, with whom I’ve shared a lot – joy, trust, surprises, fear, anger, anticipation and much more!!!

Now at the end of the course, in the repertoire of getting a nice placement, after a year-long brain- incineration, beat with a terrible break-up, falling apart of the relation, shattered by the fact, that I no-longer have the person (Grace) who knew me more than anyone else, I could almost hear my heart and mind scream to go back there, to the city of hopes (for me), to see what I had actually left there and forgot!! To meet all of them, who celebrated with me and gave me their shoulders in the times of despair, who would listen to me for hours without judging and would be the best masti-khors (as they used to call me) with me. People, with whom I could talk about everything, without holding back even in the sub-conscious mind, I could disclose all my fears and agonies. As big an emotional fool I am, always playing stupid; never letting go of any opportunity to go to Delhi to see Grace (sometimes, even twice a month) and sometimes not being able to go, despite of wanting to go so much; the accidents; the happy weekends; through all the ups and downs these people always watched my back. 

Saturday morning, when I reached the apartment, I used to stay in; I went almost running to my ex-room (guess, that’s the word). And the first thought that came to my mind was of Grace who used to visit and stay with me there. The very thought made me sick to the stomach and all the memories of her being with me came rushing. All the intentions of staying in the same room after almost a year vanished in seconds and I couldn’t go back in there for the rest of my stay. Let alone, going in that room, entering the house made me think twice ever since. 

I met Vishal, Kaushal, Sheryl, Kanav, Shikha and Shekhar - all the people I wanted to meet and everyone touched my soul in some way or the other. Everyone met me as if I left just yesterday and the year in-between didn’t ever happen, as if I had been with them all the time. 

When I met Vishal, It was just the same as he dropped me off at the railway station while leaving Pune; he came to pick me, as if he had just gone for a ride and came back. When we reached our place, I never felt that I was gone for a year. But Vishal Sir, why did u take that road to home? I used to take that road only when I go to pick up or drop off Grace at the airport. I was again in my “Ahmedabad” state of mind – sad, irritated and emotionally vulnerable. We reached our place – C-202, Poorva Residency and it felt exactly the same – the eye-dazzling cleanliness of the place proving Vishal’s skepticism to clean all of it by himself yet again. Why didn’t it surprise me at all! Vishal Sir, I missed those Friday night “liquid diet” sessions at Mini-Punjab and the Highway Restos, and those late night philosophical discussions about life too.

Seeing Kaushal wait for me at Rainbow Plaza felt just like the way it did when I used to pick him up while going to office or for “Gedi”. The same jacket hanging on his arms, which as soon as I saw, I told him, that I’ll take it with me this time and the laughter that followed. The same orders at the resto he ordering those weird smoothies and the never ending discussions about J. Krishnamurti, he advocating them and I either evading or detesting the writings. The discussion always ended with me admitting that I’ve never read a single word written by Krishnamurti. I asked Vishal to take the bike and stuck with Kaushal, the two of us walked home. I did almost all of the talking and he just kept listening to me, and all I had to discuss was Grace. What happened, how it made me feel throughout and what’s happening now? I told him about everything I had experienced, all the urges to know every small detail, what’s happening at her work, home, friends and every small thing about her. He listened to me saying that over and over and as always, finally told me what he felt and made me think yet again. All that created a complete chaos in my mind, to think how to deal with it and not what I wanted or what it used to be. Never did he tell me things which I wanted to hear – just to calm me down – rather the things which really should have been told to me to come to terms with the situation.

Sheryl, you made me wait again. Grrrrrrrr…why is it always you that everyone ends up waiting for!!! We three were staring towards the bus-stop almost popping our eyes out of our heads waiting for you and there comes THE Sheryl, swaying his arms in his near perfect zombie-walk, with hair like Alice (remember, that She-engineer with huge, triangular hairstyle working with “Dilbert”). As soon as he saw us, started to crack jokes and the first one was about my college batch t-shirt. I’ve never seen him bagged down with anything – work or studies or any crap that life throws at people. I always loved it about you the most u moron (yes, that’s for you, u ass).

Kanav, as warm and good-natured as he always has been, came in the evening when Kaushal, Sheryl and I were busy discussing the Indian Economy like anything (aah, how much did I miss these discussions, other than the fact, that this time I was much more informed – Thanks to Dr. Dholakia!). Narrating the dinner instances with his would be in-laws, telling how he hogged down 3 margaritas at dinner, Kanav’s laugh took me back to the Mysore training days, when he and the whole group would forget all the tests and test-results laughing over something stupid which he did and bragged about to all of us – dude, I still remember that mail u forwarded to the Board Room mail address rather than Kartik’s. 

Shikha & Shekhar, when I received your call in the volvo on the way to Pune, I was hardly able to make out what u were saying. Did I tell you, I could only make out your giddy laughter on being excited that I was coming? I had just texted Grace, to which she never replies and I was almost on the verge of throwing my cell phone out of the bus due to irritation, when u called and your call just saved it. I can’t tell how happy I was to hear from you and to hear u so happy! All the while we were up talking till late next night at your place; I realized what I was missing since I left. Everything came rushing back, the fights we had in Mysore, the shopping we used to do in “Loyal World”, movies etc. I don’t know how to describe the feeling of being with the two of you. And, to tell you guys the truth; you are my first friends whom I visited after they got married. I was about to tell this to Shekhu when he dropped me off, but I don’t know why, I didn’t. I don’t know, when we would meet again, may be in Pune, may be in Bareilly or in Jallandhar. Let’s see, how it unfolds.

While returning from Pune, I realized, meeting you all was what I needed to charge me up. It lifted my spirit and now I’m all charged up again to face it all whatever is left of my stay in Ahmedabad. Being to the city again, I realized, how much I missed it, the roads, the rains, the pot-holes, the shrewd autowallas, the restaurants, a gedi in E-Square and Central, cutting at the tapri, the pot-bellied thullas looking out for non-MH vehicles and everything…I hope, I’d come back soon, this time for a week, after getting over with the course and do all the stuff I intended to do in this trip and couldn’t..!!!