A mess of me. A mess of you.

One gets to know the true value of something only after it's lost. Holds true, I can vouch for it. However, I am not sure whether it is the same for you. I never took you for granted, now or in the past, but it still hurts too much.

There's not a single day in past few years that I've not yearned for you. Anywhere I go, anything I do, it feels as if you are there, watching over me. And I don't know why, but it seems that it's getting worse with every passing day!! The minute I manage to push the memories of those beautiful days out of my mind, they waltz back in making fun of me and my foolish attempts to force them out. I don't know what's there in future, pretty crazy to still think about future of us two together, eh?

I keep remembering that lovely face of yours while sleeping, traveling, eating, to an extent that it has started meddling with my work. Few months back I at least could drown myself in work. Now, I space out in office meetings!

Lying alone in my bed on these cold sleepless nights, I miss the warmth of your tender body next to mine, I crave for a glimpse of your eyes, for a single moment of hiding my face in your hair, to hear you say my name in that sweet voice, holding you against me as close as possible, to kiss you and being kissed by you, even if it's just a peck!

I keep searching, that may be, by luck I might find someone with eyes as lovely as yours, may be someone's gaze will look through me as yours did, someone will call me with the same soothing voice as yours, but every-time I end up laughing at my own stupidity. Nannu, I admit it once again today, you are only one of your kind!

This craving has increased in the last few months, this is the only thing that's been weighing on my mind. What did you do? Some magic?..ha ha..silly old conversations. Do they ever haunt you? They never leave my mind. Every morning I wake up, I have a new dream of you telling me something, for me to ponder what it actually meant.

Why are these thoughts still lingering in my mind even after all this time, I wonder. Is it, that you miss me the way, I miss you to this day or is it just my ill fate that I've been left like this, for what happened in our last meeting. 

I guess, I'll never know!

Thoughts at Dinner Table!!!

Act I, Scene I

06:00 Hrs. - Morning of Mucchi's mid-term test- it's raining cats & dogs!!!

Test is at 9:30 a.m.

Lucky: "Manu, wake up..just go thru the syllabus once again.."

Manish: "Soney de yaar..slept at 5..I've covered the whole thing once.."

Lucky holding Manish's elbow, dragging him to Badminton court in Hostel courtyard.

Lucky: "Upar dekh..barish ho rahi hai?"

Manish(confused, irritated & hell-sleepy) : "haan!!"

Lucky: "Neechey dekh, floor is wet!"

Manish: "Haan!"

Lucky (as if repeating the whole ceremony): "Upar dekh..barish ho rahi hai?"

Manish(more confused, more irritated & now "half-hell-sleepy") : "HAAN..!!"

Lucky: "Neechey dekh..floor is wet?"

Manish: "Haaaaaaaaan... :@"

Lucky (has left Manish's elbow and is now heading towards his own room): "Chal ab teri neend khul gayi hai..padh le ek baar phir se.."

Manish: "Teri...#%$%^&*()()*&^&%$#$"

Act I, Scene II

After the test.

13:00 Hrs.

Manish(screaming at the top of his lungs in Badminton Court): Lucky Kamine..I slept thru the test and left 2 questions unattempted which I could've easily answered...$%^&*())*&^%$

Make the most of everything- even the bad stuff. This time, this day, will never come again.’ – JW

‘I once wrote ‘Words are the part of silence that can be spoken.’ And again, I said, ‘Every word written is a net to catch the word that has escaped.’
Language, ruled by Mercury, is made of doubleness. The things that can be said – the dazzling power of language to communicate, to restore, to invigorate, to explain, to make possible, and the things that can’t be said – the thresholds of language where silence allows no noisy crossings, no not even a whisper.
Language is a human achievement and it needs to be re-made, re-achieved, every time a baby is born…’
‘But there is so much life – and it is wrong to waste it. Make the most of everything- even the bad stuff. This time, this day, will never come again.’
- Jeanette Winterson (www.jeanettewinterson.com)

Excerpts!!

“Who am I to you? Nothing. I can’t match my blood type to yours. I can’t tag your name as my surname. Nothing. What am I to you? I am nothing really. Yet I stand there as insignificant as an ant before the universe exclaiming that ‘I Love You’. Hoping against hope for a miracle to make me yours. So if I’m not a part of your name or your bloodline am I nothing to you? Am I not worth of being loved by you? Foolish are these lines but they pass as thoughts. Foolish because I love thee despite all these. And it will never fade. Never….” ~ excerpts from one of my letters on Love written in silence and discarded

Love has so much to give and bear and take, that silence is all it can afford amidst the chaos…

Like always you have stirred something so basic, so simple and yet the most painful of all feelings. Sometimes the pain is all that makes you realize, "IT WAS REAL."

God Bless You!!

Feelings Remain

"The double grief of a lost bliss is to recall its happy hour while writhing in agony"

These days you love me no more,
nor am I treasured by you anymore.
Now I am all alone.
What did you tell me when we parted?
The words hung in midair and never reached me.
I know my dreams and wishes are illusory;
and yet I cannot give up on them.

You said, "Don't let go, hold onto my hand" and,
"We will always be together."
Your hands as I held them were warm and tender.

I will devote myself only to you,
I know the pain of loneliness
So everything that makes me whole
Now, I dedicate it all to you.